It’s always bothered me: canned chili
announcing itself with Beans! as if
the implicit form of chili is bean-less
or the inclusion of legumes somehow
denote a surprise party for the mouth.

Maybe I’m biased. They used to call me
"Mr. Beans" for this very reason. At first
I thought it was because I look like
the actor Rowan Atktinson and instead
of asking them to clarify or reiterate, I

secretly accrued this bitterness for anyone
who referred to me in this jestful manner
and because my fabaceous affection was so
frequent and fervent it necessitated constant
reiterating: they'd shout from across the hall

"See any good movies lately, Mr. Bean(s)?" and
I hadn't and bringing up movies in context with
with the nick name only compounded my suspicions.
Why not ask me what my favorite kind of bean is?
Why not make a statement about bowel movements?

Honestly, I don't mind Mr. Atkinson. There is
a world where I was flattered to be associated
with his goofy, mostly voiceless alter-ego, that
world, though, is not this one, and as the years
of hidden resentment piled themselves higher

on the platter of my life, I seemed to reenact
a version of Beauty and the Beast but with beans
as Bella, and I as their titular beast... or was it
the other way around? Such beastly beans, and I
their eternal beauty? Yeah, that seems correct.